Choices in the Cafeteria
Thinking way too deeply about where to sit for group meals
I’ve been at the Synod of the CRCNA since Thursday. Synod is our denominational gathering. There’s around 200-250 people here for meetings. I mention this because I have been eating a lot of meals in the cafeteria and this involves a lot of choices.
For most people these choices are probably instinctual. You choose what to do based on who you see around you and what strikes you at the time. I am probably too conscientious for my own good, so I spend way too much time thinking about this. There are several options
Sit with someone you know
There are a lot of people here that I know and otherwise don’t get to spend a lot of time with. There are pastors from my area that live relatively far from me. There are people who live in completely different parts of the country whom I know but have never met. There have been people who I have met during the time of the meetings here. My sister works on staff for the CRCNA. All of these people represent an opportunity to spend more time with someone I know and draw on the goodness of a relationship or deepen one through conversation. This has been my main choice throughout the week.
Sit with strangers and start a conversation
When you don’t know many people, or get to the cafeteria alone, then the people you could sit with are probably unfamilliar to you. At summer camp or for me at Synod, there’s a pretty good chance that if I sit with someone they will talk to me. I’ve met a whole bunch of people over meals by sitting next to strangers, introducing myself, and then carrying on a conversation during the meal. I have really noticed that I tend to laser focus on one person when I do this, which I think just tells me I’m naturally a one-to-one conversation person. This was a popular choice early on in Synod when I did not know many people.
Sit alone and wait to see who joins you
I’ve been getting tired at times as the week goes on, and when I am tired I tend to feel more insecure. One of the tendencies I’ve struggled with in life is feeling like no one wants to talk to me unless they initiate. I recognize the fallacy of this idea, but when I’m tired its hard to push past those voices. Sometimes it’s easiest to just sit by myself and know that anyone who joins me has chosen to be there which is helpful at times. Sometimes I just end up sitting alone, but that can be its own solace. I have only done this at one meal this week.
Sit at a table with a mixture of people and just listen
I know a lot of people here by reputation. I have heard of their churches or you see them speak on the floor of Synod or a bunch of other reasons. Sometimes people I know already know other people and I sit down with them but they engage in conversation with others. On the internet I tend to lurk in spaces and observe conversation until I feel like I understand the relationships better. This listening feels like the real-life equivalent of that. I sit and listen to others converse and feel pulled into the conversation even though I probably say almost nothing. I did this at supper today and it led to some surprising results.
Like I said, I struggle with some social awkwardness or assumptions that others don’t want me around. The cafeteria is a place of pretty great anxiety. I try to deal with it by making a system or fitting my actions into categories. This week this is how I’ve been thinking about the problem.
Most people have been gracious, most people I know have been happy to have me around, and I’m really appreciative of all that. I share this here because I thought it might be interesting to reflect on all these options and the advantages they offer when I’m staring out at a sea of empty tables.